


Have I told any of you that i'm in my schools culinary team? bc I am and I never really bring that up.

by Dontjudgemyfanfichistory, kittykruger, McTimeWithAutomail



Series: LU group writing crack fics [2]
Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, I love you sushi you made me sick when I was 12 and never ate you again., These tags are to be taken seriously, this is a serious fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:55:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22875889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dontjudgemyfanfichistory/pseuds/Dontjudgemyfanfichistory, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittykruger/pseuds/kittykruger, https://archiveofourown.org/users/McTimeWithAutomail/pseuds/McTimeWithAutomail
Summary: Hyrule got crushed by thicc lynelle thighs. This is the aftermath.
Relationships: Time's mom/the great deku tree
Series: LU group writing crack fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687420
Comments: 13
Kudos: 21





	Have I told any of you that i'm in my schools culinary team? bc I am and I never really bring that up.

**Author's Note:**

> Lucy is the best author

Hewwo ;3 awww you’re my favorite mormon <3 Lucyyyyyyy ILY

Hello beth :3

My favorite catholic <3

The  _ best  _ minecraft GF

The Almighty Script

kittykruger

McTime/Beth

Lucy/Lucy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Could you just fucking stop singing please.”    
  
“NO!” Hyrule cried. “I was BORN to sing.”

“You died 3 years ago!”

“Legend you’re the only reason I’m not fading into the void. Don’t let me go.”

_ Distantly, you hear the words, “ _ _ Never gonna give you up _

_ Never gonna let you down _

_ Never gonna run around and desert you _

_ Never gonna make you cry _

_ Never gonna say goodbye _

_ Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you…” _

“I will never forget you. But keep singing and I  _ will  _ give myself amnesia.”

“Soooo you’re going to pull a Wild?”

“Just watch me.”

Legend had been screaming at nothing for the past 30 minutes and at this point, even Four, who hadn’t been paying attention to Legend before, was starting to grow concerned.

“Legend...are you feeling alright?” Sky hesitated as he reached a concerned hand towards the seemingly insane Legend.

“Don’t talk to me. I angy.”

“Yeah but, you don’t look too good pal.” Time confirmed Sky’s thoughts.

Wind stopped chewing on his bagel, pointing vaguely at the screeching poltergeist. Legend nodded solemnly and stole the bagel out of his hand. 

“My suffering is your suffering,” he walked away, shoving the bagel into his ears to block out the noise. 

“GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF MY CINNAMON CRUNCH BAGEL YOU BIOTCH” Wind stood up, using his skinny boi arms to smack the now tainted bagel out of Legend’s ears. Wind then leaned in and whispered “ _ I hope Hyrule follows you into the afterlife you rat bastard… _ ”

Four then silently picked up the bagel off the ground, scurrying off to enjoy his free snack.

“Don’t Forget mE!” Hyrule screamed at Legend. “I WILL sing.” he started humming a tune all too familiar to Legend. Soon he began to sing the song of the dammed. “We’re no strangers to ;ove, you know the rules and SO Do I. SOmrhtign something somthing. You don’t get this from ANY OTHER GUUY. IIIIIII just wanna tell you how im  _ feelin.  _ ”

Wind joined in, Much to the surprise of Hyrule and the pure fear of Legend.

“You can  _ see me? _ ” Hyrule asked in wonder.

“Hylia, kill me now,” Legend pleaded. 

Time looked him dead in the eye, glanced over at Wind’s screeching, looked right through where the ghost seemed to be due to sheer Old Man mysterious power, and pulled out his ocarina. 

“I will murder you, Time,” Legend warned. 

A slow breath.  “Kids these days. With their new-fangled fidget spinners and drugs. Wish I had that.” TIme sighed. DOO DOOO! DIDIDOODOO DIDI DOO DOO!”

The ocarina was mythical and mystical, but it sounded like absolute garbage. 

“For the love of Din I will use your ass as storage space and make the ocarina the first item in your inventory Time.” Legend hissed through his teeth at the boomer blowing on the now cursed ocarina

Ever so slowly, Sky began to pull a harp out of his satchel. However, Legend was too busy preparing to follow through with his threat to notice.

“Alright,” Time chucked the ancient instrument into a stream and pulled out a recorder. 

  
  


“HOT CROSS BUNS!” Hyrule screamed along to the nightmare that lived in all of children-kind’s memories, “HOT CROSS BUNS, ONE A PENNY, TWO A PENNY, HOT CROSS BUNS!”

  
  


”Hyrule SHUT UP. Or else I will FORCE YOU.”

“What are you gonna do?” Hyrule teased him. “Join me as a ghost and kill me?” 

“You’re right.” Legend turned to Time. “Time. Run me through.” 

And then, before it could get any worse,  _ he _ showed up. 

“I have killed you once,” Legend slammed his head into a tree, “twice, thrice, and Hylia know’s how many more times do I have to kill you?”

Ganon, the pig demons himself, chuckled from the shadows, pulling out a melodica. 

“Hey!” Wild popped up, not knowing who this humanoid pig thing was, “Kass taught me how to play something like that!”

He pulled out an accordion. 

“Dad?” Warriors asked.

“Oh honey no. . . ” Time sighed. “I made that mistake once and now look at you. You exist!”

“I exist because you summoned me. Your melodic song was a siren’s call that brought me back, and I want you all to be the backup musicians in my band.”

“No thanks-”

“WAS IT THE CALL OF FROZEN?!” Wind shrieked. “AH AHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA INTO THE UNKNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”s

Ganon slowly backed up in fear, unsure of how to handle the pirate child. 

“Ok Jake and the neverland pirate, you need to chill. I’m not evil enough to like Frozen...Tangled is way better.” 

Wild gasped in horror. “But...Frozen…” A single tear found its way down his cheek as he hung his head sadly. He proceeds to pull out his kazoo and play a song of mourning to comfort his soul.

At somepoint during the chaos, poor Warriors had been forgotten about. The others didn’t think anything of it, since his game isn’t canon they considered the blue scarfed hero expendable.

“I’m bringing  _ zexy  _ back.” Warriors muttered. “Zelda sexy.”

Shadow jumped out of Four’s Shadow, snatching the last remaining bit of the bagel. He then popped something in existence. 

“Who are you?” Legend asked. 

“Your worst nightmare,” Shadow smirked and started playing the bagpipes. 

“Wind. Do you have any clue if a god exists?” Wild asked as he watched the mess unfold. 

“I don’t think I do. But I do believe in Jesus Time.”

“There is one,” Sky nodded, “but she died a long time ago to allow this.”

Zelda shouted from across time, “stop telling people I’m dead.”

“Sometimes I can even still hear her voice…”

Legend groaned, “sometimes I can still hear Hylia’s bullsh i t.”

Fi appeared from the Master Sword, “was the last time y’all got to be a legend and legend nodded and shook his head and shook his hand and nodded his head and shook his head and nodded his head and shook his head and nodded his head and-“

“Hi FI! Haven’t seen you since you locked me away for 7 years! Screw you!” Time cried. “You made me go through puberty at hyperspeed!”

Fi stared at Time blankly. “Well Hero of Time, after reviewing all the knowledge in the universe and listening to your bitching, I cannot find any fucks to give of what you think of me.”

Time then proceeded to lift Fi and yeet her into the nearest lake. “BEGONE THOT!” Sky then proceeded to cry for Fi, stroking his sword to try and comfort himself.  Hyrule cut himself on her  _ edge. _

“So,” Hyrule felt forgotten in all of this chaos, there needed to be more, “caaaaNNNNNNNN ANYBODYYYYYYY, FIIIIINNNnnnnnnnndddd MEEEeeeeEEEEEE.”

“Someboday to loveeee,” Wind continued. 

“FINALLY MY TIME TO SHINE!” Warriors jumped up. “EACH MORNING I GE-”

“You don’t get a solo Warriors. Go back to doing your eyeliner and come back when your game is canon.” Wind pushed Warriors over. 

“Brother...I trusted you…” Warriors started to cry, his eyeliner turning into smudges making him resemble a raccoon.

“SOMEBODY TO DUST!” Wild paused. “Wait is this  _ not  _ the infinity war parody?”

“SPOILERS!” Twilight turned into a wolf and mauled him. 

“It has been 3 fucking years. Suck it up.”

“Wait wait wait.” Hyrule paused. “How are you all able to see me? You’re not dead are you?”   
  
“Dead  _ inside _ more like.”

“Can attest,” Ganon took a break from blowing his melodica, “knew him when he was a child, he was a dork.”

“At least I didn’t wear a wizzrobe!” 

Wild escaped Twilight’s clutches, then pulled out a bomb. “Can we use this as an instrument?”

“Someone come pick me up. I’m scared.” Twilight pleaded.

“No can do buckaroo. You’re stuck with us.” Time confirmed his worst fears.

Wind smacked Twilight with his deku leaf, “GREEN IS NOT A CREATIVE INSTRUMENT!”

Four perked up. “Of course Green isn’t an instrument, he’s a dumbass.”

“Is mayonnaise a creative color?” Wild asked.

“In Wisconsin, yes,” Four nodded. 

“AND IT’S SWEET, SWEET VICTORY!” Hyrule stood on Legend’s shoulders to add to the annoyance.

“Nothing has ever been the same since Hyrule decided to make friends with a Lynel le . ” Four observed. “The look on his face as it hugged him to death. Tittes too big.”

“Poor Petunia…” Sky tsked. “She killed her new friend and now she has to wear that stupid mourning dress...and on their wedding day too. Petunia was truly too thicc for Hyrule to handle.”

“Guys, I have a theory,” Wild shushed everyone and pulled out a powerpoint using bull science. 

“We are NOT BRINGING UP THE TIMELINE AGAIN.” Sky shrieked

“Last time anyone mentioned the timeline a whiteboard was murdered! And Warriors tried to invest in real estate!” Legend screamed.

“Oh so we’re referencing authors of this trashbags fics OTHEr fics now  _ are we? _ ” Warriors demanded. “Where’s Age then, huh? Some Justice? Time gonna die because that’s all Lucy can write?”

“Who tf is Lucy?”

“Shut your face, it ain’t the timeline! It’s Monty Python references. Anyway, so, my theory is that Hyrule was a witch.”

Ghost Hyrule nodded, “makes sense, but proof? I need validation.”

Wind translated, “his spirit would like clarification because I just think you’re stupid.”

“ANYWAY!” Wild exploded Ganon’s melodica to get him to shut up about how he killed Hyrule, “the lynel killed him using fire arrows, correct?”

“No it was the world's deadliest hug.” 

“Petunia was too thicc to handle…” Wind sighed. “F in the chat for Hyrule.”

“F” Four added

((Yo, this is Script, they don’t know I put this here, please comment ‘spaghetti’ with no context))

“SHUT UP! Hugs of fire arrows. Anyway, according to science and my screwed up brain, if Hyrule set on fire, then he is equal to wood. Wood floats, as I have blown up enough boats to know.”

“Thanks for that,” Wind stabbed him in the leg as payback. 

“Cheers to you, too,” Wild nodded before pointing at the photo of a duck, “wood floats, so do ducks, and we know that Hyrule weighed the same as a duck. That’s canon according to Hyrule Historia on page 253 under ‘I dare you to look this up’. Anyway, what weighs and burns like a duck and wood?”

“A witch?”

“A WITCH!”

“Wait is Hyrule here? Is he a ghost?” Twilight gasped. “Hylia above maybe he could find our parents!”

“Your parents are still alive Twi. They just abandoned you. You need to accept that.” Legend commented.

“At least my uncle didn’t merc himself bc he had a failure of a nephew.”

“Don’t worry Twi, my parents hated me too!” Wind tried to offer his comfort to the furry man.

“I’ll have to accept that I killed my parents in the war,” Four looked off into the distance.

“I never knew my father,” Fi babbled coherently for the first time in her life. 

Sky gasped, “Fi.”

“I lied, I have no father. I thought you were the chosen hero of Hyrule, not the chosen hero of being an idiot.”

“My father always had a rather rough exterior...huge, towered over everyone, providing bright colors and shade on hot days-”

“YOUR DAD IS A FUCKING TREE!” Legend cut off Time.

“My parents were trees. ANd I know you’re thinking, ‘Time how are your parents both trees’ but according to this German comic posted in the nintendo magazine in 1906 my mother turned into a tree after she got me to safety. No one knows why.”

Shadow slowly died in the time no one was watching him and Vio cried like that scene in the Lion King. It was the most gut wrenching moment in cinema history since Gene, who is french fries, sacrificed himself for the good of the universe. 

“Shadow shut up. We all forget about you for a reason.”  Warriors rolled his eyes.

“At least I’m canon.”

“But believe me Maizey,” Hyrule started his power ballad, “you’ll be fine withOUT ME HERE!”

“GUYS STOP. I NEED A NAP.” Ganon shouted. All the links froze and watched as Ganon, the king of evil, destroyer of worlds, took a blanket from epona's saddle and sat down on the ground.  Even the man who was hellbent on destroying Hyrule had some sense of sanity that apparently no one else here contained.  Thank goodness Impa wasn't here. She would stop all the fun.

Legend then smacked Ganon upside the dark side of the moon with a frying pan. 

“THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR MARIN!”

“Aw, jeez, guy, that wasn’t me! That was a whale!”

“SuRrrReE, and the person who killed my parents was also a whale!”

“It was!”

Moby Dick shivered in Davy John’s Looker, knowing that Link “Call me Ishmael.” Legend would be on his tail. Too bad he had already murdered Queequeg and Ralph. 

“It’s familiar,” Hyrule danced like a man on ten buckets of cocaine and who had no life to lose because he was dead, “but not too familiar, but not too not familiar. IT’S A NEW CRAZE!”

“That is the worst way to end this nightmare. But I think I'm too suicidal at this point to care.”

With that, the curtains closed, and Script got after Lucy for changing the ending.

“Don’t worry, guys,” Hylia appeared in a blinding light, “the script is the literal text so therefore Script had all power over the ending of the story.”

“Script so help me I will hurt you.”

“Who said that?”

“Me. I’m breaking the fourth wall. The ending was GREAT. BETTER THE BEST”

“ONE DAY MOREEEEEEEEE!” Hyrule passed out and was finally able to move on into the afterlife. 

McTime sighed. “If you guys don’t stop I’m bringing Ghiracult into the story.” 

Thus ended the Ballad of the Four Idiots. 

“I’ll be back.”

“I swear, the story is over, meet me in Denny’s.”

“Prepare to lose your teath. I need more in my collections I DON’T CARE THAT I SPELLED IT WRONG.”

McTime then grabbed Lucy and Script, proceeding to drag them back into lounge 1. “I’ve made some new ghiracult content to show you, now let’s let this crack-shit-show die already…”

“Wait, who gets to upload this? Also, I’m all out of cult bucks, thanks. Gotta wait for my allowance.”

“Lounge 1 sucks tho.”

“We are so beyond meta I think we broke the system.”

“Et tu, Brute, but with like accents.”

The end. 

_ In a french accent.  _ “Script you are a loser.”

Kittykruger, the only one who wasn’t dragged away, turned to the camera. Old-style music began playing in the background. “That’s all for now, folks!”

**Author's Note:**

> I still think my ending was better.


End file.
